Stupid Jealousy Bug

I've been on the job hunt for quite some time now, and I've come to realize something:

NO ONE wants to hire me due to the simple fact that I have my days blocked out by classes.

It's alright though; school is more important than anything right now. 

I've got something else on my mind, that I think I've gotta just vent out...

EVERYONE IS FREAKING GETTING PREGNANT/MARRIED/ENGAGED.

Phew. Man, that just kinda exploded.

I am so happy for every single one of my friends. They are so deserving of every bit of happiness that comes to them, and I am so thankful that I can be part of their lives; however large or small that role is, and I in no way want them to try to tone their happiness down...that is ridiculous.

But that dumb jealousy bug keeps crawling up and biting me.

I don't know if it's the particular age that I'm at, my personality, growing up thriving on fairy tales and happily ever afters, or just...{go ahead and use your imagination to add something else to that list. I've got nothin' at the moment.} But I want it! I want to get engaged, be married, have the most amazing mircle that is pregnancy. Yeah, I'm one of those girls. Judge away.

Look, I know its coming. And I know that all of that would be far less joyful at this state in my life. I know I'm going to be patient, I know I'm not going to rush it...and I know talking about it to the BF makes him want to hyperventilate because of how expensive it would all be...

But saying all of that to myself, or you saying it to me, or just plain knowing it doesn't lessen the fact that the desire is still there. 

And Pinterest is just NOT helping. 

{ladies, you know what I'm talking about.}

At the same time, I'm terrified for it to happen. What if it doesn't live up to my expectations? What if it goes by so quickly I can't enjoy it? What if, what if, what if....

*Le sigh*
There is no easy out for this. I will continue to live vicariously through the weddings and pregnancies of my friends and focus on stuff like...
I dont have to pay for a wedding. Or I don't have to look forward to poopy dipers. I don't have to have another person's life completely in my hands. I get to be self-centered for a few more years.



OK. I feel a little better
:)

Cursed Demon Berries {&} Hallucinations

My mother poisoned us this past weekend with unwashed fruit.

ALRIGHT! No, it was just the stomach flu...or food poisoning. We can't really decide because my mother and I got sick at the exact same time, and we both had fevers high enough to cause hallucinations, and both factors are hard to find with food poisoning from bad fruit, but still. It happened, and we were both equally miserable.

Luckily, we had my awesome dad and my boyfriend to take care of us. 

It's always nice to find someone who's willing to not sleep at ALL simply to make sure that the vomit stays out of your hair and you stay warm enough to stave off the bone-rattling chills at least for a moment.

{tmi?}

Another special little thank you to my handsome BF who was also willing to take care of my sick mommy as well as sick girlfriend when my dad had to leave to go work. Poor man is exhausted. 

I'd love to say that other things have happened, but the only things that have are hallucinations. 

Even more unfortunate tidbit: I can't remember all my exciting hallucinations, other than the fact I was pissed that no one would bring me apple juice. But I think that one may have actually occurred. So...

There you go.

"Maybe who we are isn't so much about what we do, but rather what we're capable of when we least expect it."

{Jodi Picoult}

Lessons in Weeds

To some who may know me very well may find it surprising that I....

{insert drumroll here}

weeded.

Amazing. I know. I figured: my dad is working his tail off to be able to make life comfortable for my family as well as pay for my brother and my education{s}, and I am currently {still} jobless, so perhaps helping out around the yard might be helpful. It wasn't much, but it was enough to give me very sore knees and a migraine. I am now convinced we need a goat or two to help with the half acre that is positively drowning in weeds. 

{plus they're SO darn cute!}

My mother used to have me pull weeds when I was younger, and I hated it. In a desperate attempt to make me stick to something, she said I could have 5 cents per weed I pulled. 

She didn't gamble on my little entrepreneur brain realizing that a yard full of weeds at five cents a weed would equate to a large{ish} sump of money. Especially when I brought her the buckets.

{Plural, for those who don't understand the "sss" at the end, but silly me, all my friends who would read this are super smart anyway :)}

The price per weed rapidly shrunk to one measly cent.

~~~
I hope you get the chance to weed someday.
It could change your life. 

I turned on my Mumford & Sons Pandora station on my iPhone, and attacked.

It was glorious mindlessness. I could just focus on the weeds, and lose myself in the ebb and flow of the music

While viciously ripping up roots of the unfortunate plants, my mindless work turned to thoughts flowing in and out of my head, dancing to the music from my headphones.
I realized how much my life is like a garden. God created me: he planted such beautiful, wonderful plants and flowers of all variaties. All rare and priceless, so much so that all can only be found in MY garden. 

The weeds are the plants that Satan has grown:

They are the emotions; the pain, the suffering, jealousy, greed, lust, and such overwhelming terrible anger; they grow and spread and choke all of the beautiful plants that God created. When weeding, it is important to get the ENTIRE plant. Not just the stalk, or a few leaves. Unless you get the root, the weed will just come back. I weed every once in a while, just ripping off enough of the plant so I can't see it anymore. Often times, I forget to address the {parden the pun} root of my problems. The roots, the deep hold that Satan has over me, are so strong; I don't have the strength to deal with them. To try to pull them out of the ground seems nearly impossible. 

Here's the catch, the fact that I continuously forget to remember: that I can not clear the weeds of my garden alone. The Lord says, "Come to me all that are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest." {Matt 11:28}

I've heard every sermon, I've listened to years of devotional speakers, I know the verses. Yet the act of giving my problems to God and saying, "I can't do this without you," then letting go is almost harder than the actual dealing with the issues. 

Here is what I know:

Number one: "I am a great sinner, and Christ is the GREAT savior."

Number two: I can not do it all on my own.

Number three: It's time to focus on the roots of the weeds

God give me strength.

All Things Old and New

Happy New Years!

I am blessed enough to be able to say that it's been a very busy few weeks, what with finals, Christmas, New Years, and even traveling to Pennsylvania to visit friends and my boyfriend's family!

I did lose a beautiful member of my family a few days before Christmas 

:(

We had to put our dog Lucy down

My mother with Lucy

She was 17 years old with a brain tumor...she was a rescue from the pound by a friend of ours, who couldn't handle her neurotic behavior. She was CRAZY! But it was obvious she was very well trained...as well as previously in an abusive family. My little brother was her person, she would protect him from anything! She was always there whenever we needed her, she always knew when something was wrong, she would play and play and play until she couldn't walk anymore!

I firmly believe that I will see both her and my baby, our other dog Shelby, in heaven when the time comes!

It's amazing how ingrained a pet can become with one's family :)

On another slightly more exciting note: I got an iPhone! I think all of my friends and family are sick of hearing about how awesome it is but....it is SO AWESOME! Well done Steve Jobs and may you rest in peace knowing that you made this girl's Christmas amazing!

I can honestly say I'm getting anxious for school to start up again, but it won't start until January 23rd!! That break is WAY too long!

BUUUUT I get an Associates Degree at the end of this next semester, possibily even two!

Which is exciting...becauuussseee...

Many people may not know this but after my head injury, (5 concussions in 4 months) the doctors told me I'd never be able to be at the point I'm at now. I was told that reading would always be a difficulty, I would never finish school, and that my parents should look into health care facilities that would take care of me, because I'd never be able to take care of myself.

That was close to 4 years ago.

Now I'm getting a degree in general ed with an emphasis on human behavior, possibly in American Sign Language as well, and I'm on my way to other degrees in psychology and religion, with a goal to get as many letters by my name as possible; just to prove that I can!

I'd really love to throw in a SUCK IT right now. 

But I won't. that would be rude.

;)

I've got this feeling that 2012 is going to be an amazing year. Life is so good...even when it's not too great, it always presents with something else good and wonderful. 

and 

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." 

{-James 1:17}

So, thank you Lord for an amazing 2011, I can't wait to see what you have in store for me now

and just so you can have a little taste of my Pennsylvania vacation...

the memorial at Valley Forge

the grounds at Valley Forge at twilight

the LOVE of my life who made the whole trip possible and wonderful