Looking Back: End of the Year Musings...

Some women learn about themselves through their jobs, some women learn about themselves through movies, and some from their friends. I just happen to be the type that learns from men. There is no type that is "better" than the other, or even easier. What makes one easier than the other is being able to see, accept, and understand who and what you are; causing you to make a few less repeated mistakes otherwise. Yet sometimes, it is impossible to walk the long road to who you are without stepping on a few toes, and sometimes even hurting them.

There are times when I can't breathe because of how much I know I have hurt someone. 

{Yeah, you can tell this one's going to be personal with that one line}

A year ago, I was engaged to a man who I thought was the "one."

He wasn't the one, hence the past tense.

I wanted so badly for him to be the "one,"because all of my friends had found their "one" around the same time; planning their weddings was killing me. I wanted it for all the wrong reasons. 

I'd like to clarify: he is an AWESOME man. He's going to make a world class husband someday to a very very lucky woman. Don't think that just because I'm not marrying him that he's not amazing.

Our problem was that we just weren't right for each other.

There wasn't any one reason, just like anything else that fails. It's many reasons pressing down on the roof of the relationship until finally the reasons become so heavy that the roof collapses. 

We could have tried to fix our metaphorical roof, but all the reasons wouldn't have gone away. They would have just filled up the rooms of our relationship house, and eventually causing serious, irreparable damage to all of our antique furniture. 

Did I take the house metaphor too far?

---I digress--- 

When I broke it off, I hurt him.

He wasn't able to see the reasons, because he wanted the happy marriage even more than I did. I'm not sure if he's even able to see them now, or if I'm still an insensitive bitch in his book. 

{I'm not being rude with that last comment, I broke off an engagement not a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I wouldn't blame him if he felt that way}

We've both moved on, me to the wonderful gorgeous Godsent BF, and him to a beautiful girl that he's known all his life; that seems to fit what he wants and what his family wants. I couldn't be happier for him, I WANT him to be happy, with or without me. I did love him.

It is because of this love that I still feel pain over how it hurt him. I still wouldn't change anything at all about how or why it ended, but I do wish that I could have saved him from the pain that it caused him.

People are always afraid of asking me how it ended; if it was a sore subject. So pay attention, because  here it is once & for all:

There were major irreconcilable differences between his family and I, as well as issues between the two of us; barring us from having a heathy marriage or relationship. If necessary we can have good, solid conversations without being awful to each other. We've both moved on to wonderful people and are both doing very well.

*sigh*

Love is so messy. Disney did not prepare me for the harshness of relationships fraught with love.Yet I can say with a clear head that each relationship teaches you something new about life that you wouldn't otherwise had known, as well as teaching you something about yourself that could have remained a mystery forever. I actually wouldn't change any of my past relationships; even though some of them were a new kind of terrible...they were each important keystones in my life. 

I know that without any of them, I most likely wouldn't have found the man who I can't imagine living without. I realize that there is always a chance that perhaps he isn't "THE ONE." But there is a feeling, deep down inside me, that tells me that he is; this feeling, this voice, I have never heard before. 

Yet even IF someday we don't work out, I know that I will be a much better person than I was before I met him...because of him. 

Looking back on the last year or so has only forced me to look ahead, and be excited for what God has in store for me...I can always rely on Him to make things interesting, and I can always rely on me to make them dramatic 

:)

“I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles.”

{Audrey Hepburn}

The Black Death

Who's got two thumbs and passed all their classes this last semester?

Well you're just going to have to trust that I still have both of my thumbs, because it was me!!

Add to this excitement that my little brother will be home in about two hours, {thanks to the Anglins} DRIVING all the way from Abilene, Texas. 

 yuck.

SPEAKING OF YUCK:

I am currently {knock on wood!} the only one in my house that isn't sick with what I'm assuming to be is the Black Death. I come to this conclusion because of the noises they're making; the sneezes, coughing, and the sounds of falling over due to dizziness. 

{My family is all really tall, so when we fall we make NOISE.}

I very much hope that I won't get said Black Death, being sick in California is one thing; being sick in the freezing cold of Pennsylvania on New Years vacation is, {I can only assume, as it hasn't happened to me} a far worse thing. 

Not only that but I need to finish Christmas shopping... :(

We'll see if I can avoid it!

Finals, meet Procrastination.

It's finals week, kids. Which of course means that I've visited every single website that pushes my bfffl procrastination to its limit, filling my currently sad existence with funny memes and more than necessary water marbled nails. Here is the result of both:

Water Marbled Success!

AAAAAND the meme that has been stuck in my poor brain:

{{HERE}}

OK look it's a really long picture and it would kill all space that I have, filling your screen with hilariousity that should be given it's OWN page. Hence: the link. That, and I am lazy. I blame finals. Or past Courtney for causing me to be in such a state. 

Either one sucks sometimes. 

SOOO to cheer you up from the previous sad depressing statement and because my brain is too fried to think of anything further witty to say.... to cheer you up, here are the outtakes for the picture {^} above. ;) 

ridiculous?

yes.

awesome?

...perhaps. 

insane? 

silly question. 

you are welcome.

have a lovely week my dears, I'll write you again when there is homework to be done or another test that needs to be studied for. 

'cause that's how I roll. 

"Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist when we grow up"

{{Pablo Picasso}}

love, me

also, you should know that I don't actually know what a meme is. I'm ASSUMING that I've used it correctly. If not, don't correct me. I'll accuse you of being a nerd.

Historical Significances. Significansies? Significance...es

Yikes.
It has been a WHILE!!
I keep trying to think of things to blog ABOUT! I figure I could talk about everything I've been thinking about, everything I'm feeling...but that just sounds boring for anyone else besides me. 


By the way the "inches" loss thing is going well! I've lost TWO inches so far, and thats exciting :) I knoooow I originally said something like 8 inches in 4 weeks, but I did not take into account that I'd be having finals and stressing my butt back ON.
But there is nothing that can keep me from being excited about going back to Pennsylvania for New Years. Living in Southern California my whole life has been a wonderful blessing, but the history that occurred in PA is ahmazing. Sure, in SoCal we've got some crazy history, but it's nothing like PA. I remember last time my man candy {{yeah, that happened}} and I went, we visited Philadelphia. On our way there {or was it to the cabin we stayed at?...I digress} we passed an exit called Valley Forge.

VALLEY FORGE. 

Me: "wait..is that THE valley forge?? As in George Washington's valley forge??"

Bf: "oh, yeah."

Seriously. When I told any of his friends and family about the fact that we drove near Valley Forge, their only real response was, "When I think of Valley Forge, I think of terrible traffic."

Allow me to explain why that physically hurt my soul.

La Jolla Children's Pool

I'm a nerd. Plain and simple. Stuff like being able to SEE Valley Forge is like a dream come true. I completely understand the fact that when you live somewhere, the exciting light of all the special, neat things about that place dims significantly until it's no longer as important. 

For me, its the beach. I've lived 30 minutes from the beach my whole life. Not just any beach, the beaches of San Diego. Stuff like this ------------>

is pretty normal for me. 

So I GUESS I get why that wasn't as exciting for them as it was for me. When I think La Jolla, or Del Mar, I think "bad traffic" as well...

SOOO I leave the day after Christmas...BF leaves a few days before me. It'll be good for him to get some quality time in with his family before I come crash the party. :)

I am so excited its all I can think about. It's a beautiful state, and I can't wait to see his wonderful, loving family. {{Not sucking up. There's no guarantee that any of them will read this, it's just completely true. I got really lucky to be able to date a man with a family that's as cool as mine :) }}

"A mistake is simply another way of doing things."

{{-Katharine Graham}}